Frustrations Caused by Meditation
Q: "I'm feeling short-fused during the day with mini bursts of anger. This comes after a period of some weeks in which my meditations were glorious, amazing, revealing new vistas and moving me with new energies. So why am I so irritated now?"

A: Discontent often accompanies a breakthough experience. Although it may seem that you are irritated with others, the real irritation is that you've just had the bar raised -- that is, you've seen for real what life can be, and now your satisfaction with the life you've built is challenged.

We build our lives from our "realization," that which we know beyond doubt and even beyond question. We usually don't know of our realization directly, like a fish doesn't know about the ocean, but we can see it in the way we make decisions about our time and resources, in the identity we assume for ourselves, our self-concept, in the way we are with others, etc. Our realization demonstrates itself in everything we do. It is behind our three attitudes: toward others, toward our self, and toward God.

Now your realization has changed, the only way it can change - from direct, personal experience. This will cause shifts in everything about you and the life you've created. You will struggle to bring your world into line with your new realization, which requires, for example, that it becomes more harmonious.

The frustration comes from having your vision move so far ahead of your power. That is, you can see how things ought to be, which is an improved and clarified vision from how you used to see it, but the power to make it be so is still building. Your heart's power will build partly as a response to your commitment to use it. Your dedication to your new vision of the world will draw out the power you'll need to move in that direction.

What you need right now is thankfulness and patience. As the Sufi Mansur Al Hallaj said as he was being crucified by orthodox clerics, "Beloved One, forgive them. If You had not revealed to me what You have revealed to me, I would not be here. And if You had revealed to them what You have revealed to me, they would not be here either."

Something great has been revealed to you, the knowledge of which is a heavy responsibility that makes life more difficult. You cannot go back, and you wouldn't want to if you could. It will take time for life to adjust to this new development. It WILL adjust, and your life will take on the beauty of the heart you've seen. This is the power of the heart, that it changes your world and draws to you the fulfillment of your desires.

Having seen the big picture, you need to continually revisit your heart for the details. In your meditations your heart will re-inspire you and prompt you step-by-step in moving toward your goal.

By Puran Bair, author of "Living from the Heart" (Random House, 1998)
Copyright © 2000 by The Institute for Applied Meditation, Inc.
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