Building Friendship

Q: "I would like to be better at developing friendships: better at starting them, better at keeping them, and better able to make the friendships I have become deep and meaningful. I used to blame my friends for the lacks in my friendships, but when I noticed that I don’t have any friendships that really satisfy me, I thought it must be me."

A: We’re living in a commercial age, when even friendship has become commerialized. People talk about their marriages in financial terms: a long-term investment which realizes dividends if the position is held, or a sunk-cost of a high-maintenance partnership that hurts the bottom-line unless you cut your losses.

The art of friendship is unappreciated in modern relationships where the balance of giving and receiving is weighed after each transaction. There is a common fear of being taken advantage of, but the reality of the relationship is hard to assess because it depends on one’s point of view. The highly subjective analysis of who is gaining more is colored by the expectations of both people. No matter how much you do for your friend, if they expect more, they will be disappointed. Would you do something for your friend that is not in your own best interest? It is common for one friend to test the other, to see how far their relationship goes. A relationship can always go deeper.

The relationship you have with another will be determined by the type and condition of your hearts. Some hearts are like an oyster: hard on the outside, but soft within. This type of heart makes a person stiff and unapproachable with most people, but accomodating and vulnerable with those who have gotten beyond the shell to become friends.

Others are soft and mushy on the outside -- polite, and friendly to all but also superficial -- and hard in the center -- demanding and strict with, but also solidly committed to, their friends. There are many other kinds of hearts too, all composed of layers that might be quite different. As your relationship develops, you penetrate new layers in yourself and in your friend.

Building a relationship is an issue of trust. Some people withold their trust, perhaps for a decade or more, until their friend proves to be trustworthy. Others trust by nature, until the friend proves to be untrustworthy. The strongest hearts trust quickly and hold that trust until the friend proves to be trustworthy. People can disappoint you in the short-term, but they will eventually respond to your trust in them.

Another aspect of the heart that defines the relationship is its ability to give and receive. We are generally specialized into givers and receivers, and our specialty quickly asserts itself in a new relationship. Givers value their giving; receivers value their receptivity most highly. Some of both is necessary in both partners, but the tendency to specialize remains because of the heart’s strength and weakness. The giver controls the relationship by giving and may be frightened by intimacy; the receiver is unable to initiate, but draws the relationship to a deeper level. A friendship that is highly polarized is quite compatible, until either person gets tired of their assigned role. In a long-term relationship people need to be able to reverse roles, to be both creative and vulnerable.

In another column, we’ll explore a meditation practice for developing the heart’s ability to give and receive, to soften and hold firm, and to dive deep and soar high.

By Puran Bair, author of "Living from the Heart" (Random House, 1998)
© 1999 by The Institute for Applied Meditation, Inc.
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