A: Choosing a teacher is like choosing a lover - this is a life partner. But like falling in love, it isn't a heavy, weighty decision; it's done with your heart. And the type of people you choose to be with you on your life's journey shows the condition of your heart. Your choice shows the discriminating faculty of your heart, the attractive power of your heart, the compassion of your heart, your feeling of worthiness, etc. And even though falling in love is mysterious and surprising, you don't let yourself fall in love with just anyone. There are filters that a perspective lover must pass through. Similarly, there are filters that a teacher must pass through before you fully open your trust to him or her. When you started dating, you perhaps didn't know what awful kinds of games a person could play with your heart. Inexperience in relationships generally produces learning experiences, not long-lasting connections. The exception is when you have a very clear and good model of a love relationship from your parents. But in forming a relationship with a teacher, we rarely have a model that we know first-hand, as the relationship is so unusual in this culture.

Just as our conception of marriage has changed, the concept of a relationship with a teacher has changed too. So the first principle in finding a teacher is to find someone who is tuned in to the times. This is not the age of "Poverty, Chastity, and Obedience." This is the age of "Why?" and "Why not?" If a teacher can't answer your questions with real explanations, then find someone who can. The monk thing is old; it's been done, and done well. There are more glorious challenges in our time, for example: abundance, unconditional love with passion for life, and real freedom in your heart and mind.

Secondly, don't accept a denigration of any part of yourself. Some teachers employ negation, but it leads to trouble. Your mind is a wonderful thing, it is not "in your way." Your ego is a prize, a privilege of the universe given to you. It is not a distortion or an illusion. Your body is the crystallization of all that you are, not a limitation you should escape. Every cell of your body has memory, and wisdom. The deep, dark desires of your heart are sacred too.

As Shakespeare said, "There is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so." If you embrace unity, you will easily find your heart, because the experience of your heart is an experience of all the emotions there are, simultaneously. The path of the heart results in the discovery of the unity of all people, and that gives you access to the hearts of everyone.

The third principle is about integrity. How does a teacher gain the authority to be a genuine teacher? By being a genuine student. Everyone wants to be a teacher; no one wants to be a student. But it is the one who has mastered being a student who can begin to teach. Beware a teacher who has never been a student. He has not learned what he expects you to learn.

Would you choose a lover who had never been in love before? How would he know how valuable love is? And would you choose a lover who has never loved one person but has loved many? If your teacher wants loyalty, she must show loyalty toward her teacher, and toward you as well. That's integrity: never asking you to do something that she has not demonstrated first.

It's fair to ask your teacher, "Who was your teacher?" If it was some disembodied spirit guide, then tell her to get a disembodied spirit student. You want a teacher who has experience with people, and the way to get that experience is to be a student.

If his eyes fill with tears of joy at the thought of his teacher, then you've found a devoted soul who will carry you in love through Heaven and Hell and never abandon you, just as he has not abandoned his teacher.